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Welcome to Fantasy Island…
You ever wake up one morning and look around and say, “There is something missing in my life.” You go take a shit and you realize that what you need is more toilet paper. Toilet paper is what’s missing.
So you go to Winn Dixie and buy the 24 double roll pack of Charmin. You get the good stuff. Not “John Wayne” toilet paper, the kind that doesn’t take any shit. Then you make a run by the craft store to buy a glue gun and some green wires and green tape.
You take your loot home and start making toilet paper flowers. You make toilet paper flower baskets and you place them all over the house. Then you start gluing the flowers over every bare place on the walls, ceilings and floor.
About this time you go back to Winn Dixie and get two 24 double roll packs of Charmin. You go through the same checkout line hoping that the checkout girl will ask you why you need so much toilet paper, so that you can explain your divine inspiration. She looks at you oddly but doesn’t say anything.
As you finish putting flowers up in the closet you get another vision. You completely fill the closet with toilet paper. You roll the toilet paper off of the cardboard tube, fluff it up and toss it in the closet until you can’t put any more in with out half of it falling out.
So then you strip naked and cover yourself in human feces and run three laps around your house counter-clockwise. You run inside and dive in to the toilet paper filled closet and spin until you are completely wrapped up in toilet paper.
As you drift off to sleep you think about your day and you wonder what you will do tomorrow.
This was a paid advertisement from the Toilet Paper Production Association
MrQuick 9:31 PM
Have you ever tried to tell a story to someone that was hilarious at the time but for some reason when you try to tell the story its just not funny.
There was a summer about 5 years ago. We like to refer to it as the summer of Love. I was on my unemployment vacation and Coy and Matt were are basically unemployed also. Every weekend and many weeknights we would close Sparks and gather as many people as we could and go out to this quarry near Hanover, IN. It was about a thirty minute drive which isn't too bad for some moonlight swimming and a small bonfire in the middle of nowhere.
Beer was a precious commodity. Coy liked to be the beer nazi. He would usually try to make people turn in their empty beer can before they could get a new full one.
Coy and another friend of mine on most occasions would try to out "manly" the other. I saw Coy grab some dirt where a beer had just spilled and squeeze out drops of beer straight into his mouth just to show how much of a badass he was. My other friend would sometimes try to top him. I saw him swallow a quarter size rock, just because. There always seemed to be a little rivalry.
Anyway, while everyone was swimming one early morning, as the sun was coming up. Coy went around to all of the empty beer cans and gathered what was left of each beer and filled a single can with the combined backwash and beer. Coy then called my other friend to the edge of the water and whispered to him that he would give my friend the "last" beer if he promised not to tell anyone. My friend said sure, took the beer and shouted as he pushed off from the edge, "I got the last beer!" He took a big drink of it and Coy produced the actual last beer from his pocket. He told everyone what he did and my friend said he didn't care and finished the beer. His only comment was that it was warm.
At the time this all seemed pretty hilarious. But everytime I tell the story, which isn't often, it doesn't seem funny and it seems like Coy was being a dick.
What do you think?
Good Night, Good Morning, whatever.
MrQuick 4:33 AM
I got a call from Abuse at Bellsouth, yesterday and they tell me the FBI says that I have SubSeven on my machine. SubSeven is a trojan horse that can give someone access to your computer. They have as much if not more control over your computer as you do.
I reformated one of my machines. I got the latest anti-virus updates as did my roomate. We scanned our computers and found nothing. I even went to a page that tells you how to remove SubSeven and looked in all of the places the files were supposed to be and didn't find anything.
I did have SubSeven a long time ago but I removed it then.
I think the FBI is wrong on this one, possibly.
Later.
MrQuick 4:50 AM
Have you ever seen Barton Fink? It's a movie the Coen Brothers wrote during a bout of writer's block, when they were trying to write Miller's Crossing. The title character is a screenwriter that has a case of writer's block.
Now you may wonder why I bring this up. First, the Coen Brother's movies are great. I like every one of them.
Second, I sat here for about 25 minutes before I started to think about writer's block and the Coen Brothers.
Do you remember when you were in high school and you had to take an essay test? You would take the question and try to stretch it out into a paragraph of bullshit.
In my goverment class my Junior year, I remember one time I took bullshit to a different level. It was the last test of the year and I did well on the test. But there was one question where I had no idea where to go with it.
The question was something like this: "Who was Nathan Bedford Forrest?"
My response went something like this: Nathan Bedford Forrest was one of the baseball players involved in the 1919 Black Sox Scandal. Even though Nathan Bedford Forrest stats were better in the World Series than in the regular season Nathan Bedford Forrest was accused of helping to fix the World Series. After the court case was over Nathan Bedford Forrest was never allowed to play profesional baseball ever again. He died a bitter and broken man. Denying to his death that he had any knowledge of the fix.
I got one bonus point for originality.
It's good to be able to bullshit.
Good Night, Good Morning, whatever.
MrQuick 4:35 AM
Lately somethings changed and its hard to define...
Women are a complete mystery to me. I have many female friends but if you ask them for advice you only hear the propaganda. Don't get me wrong they aren't lying, they believe the propaganda. They tell you what women would LIKE to think they would do. What really happens is quite a different thing.
Sometimes there is nothing worse than hearing the words, "I love you."
I'm confused and I'll get over it.
Good Night, Good Morning, whatever.
MrQuick 4:08 AM
Back on the Chain Gang...
Monday was the last day of my vacation. DAMN IT! I can't complain too much. I had a great week. The only thing that could have made it better would be if I had gotten laid.
The most horrible thing about going back to work is that I know I'll have about a thousand emails waiting for me. This is not an exaggeration. Normally, when I go back to work after a weekend I have about 200 emails waiting. I have been off for 9 days. Five weekdays. I will be lucky to have only 1000 emails. It should be fun. (Sarcasm, for those not paying attention.)
BTW. I got the new Radiohead Album, KID A. It’s great. There are a few songs that are more experimental than what they usually do but the more I listen to it the more I like it. You should really give it a chance. Download it through Napster and check it out. But it is worth buying.
MrQuick 4:15 AM
I went to the St. James Art Fair, Saturday. Today was the last day for the "art" fair. Every year thousands of people, who would normally be afraid to come to Old Louisville, come down and take up all of the parking and buy overpriced crap that some try to pass off as art.
Every year the locals are constantly harassed by the police. If you happen to live on St. James Court and if you try to go to your home at night, you will probably be stopped at least three times by police who want to know where you live. They treat you like shit until they find out where you live. This goes on for about 4 days.
I didn't notice what the big seller was this year but usually its something on a stick to put in your yard.
Don't get me wrong, there are a few dealers there that have some pretty cool stuff. There is some "art" at this art show, but just because you paint a rock doesn't make it art. What is the difference between art and craft? My mother does crafts. She used to make some decent money doing it in her spare time. But she has never called herself an artist.
What do you think is the difference between arts and crafts?
MrQuick 1:57 AM
I did everything I said I was going to do, yesterday.
I'll fill you in tomorrow. I'm so tired and I need to go to bed.
Good Night.
MrQuick 4:40 AM
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